(Banned)






Sex:   Female
Location:   New York
Bio:   Easing the pain of divorce for the children is very difficult. But there are some common sense rules that can help - if the parents are capable. The cardinal rule, as always, is for parents to present the divorce carefully to the children. Some mental health professionals suggest telling the children about the impending separation a week or two before it actually happens, giving the children time to adjust, as well as lessening the shock and salving their feelings of rejection.

The difficulty with this rational suggestion is that the actual timing of the separation is often irrational. Though the marriage has obviously been eroding and the parents have certainly talked about divorce, the flash point of decision is usually spontaneous and arbitrary. A sentence spoken in the wrong tone of voice, a skipped dinner date, one load of laundry too much can trigger activity out of passivity, and WHAM - one parent is gone.

The reasons for the divorce should be spelled out in terms the child can understand, so he is less apt to blame one parent more than the other - or to take the blame on himself. But at least one child psychiatrist draws a much harder line. Just telling the children “we don’t love each other anymore” is a cop-out, according to Richard Gardiner, the author of several books about children and divorce. “Tell them, for instance, ‘your father drinks too much’ or ‘I’ve met someone else I care about more’ or ‘I don’t respect your father as much as I used to and although he’s well meaning, he’s weak,’ ” suggests Gardiner. But parental deficiencies must be countered by strengths as well. “Real people have flaws as well as admirable qualities,” says the respected psychiatrist. “The parent who won’t tell is depriving the child of useful information.”

For all that parents can do to make the divorce passage easier, however, the children will still go through a period of intense pain. No child will ever be happy with the divorce, even where there had been histories of chronic and even violent conflict. More than anything else, these children want their parents back together. Oftentimes these children will have fantasies and go around telling everyone: “They’ll run into each other some day and they will fall in love and get married again!” Or “I just know that I can get them both to marry each other again and we can be a family forever!”